Canadia Is Not A Country
by WakeUpSmithy
Summary: A tale of love, hope, friendship and forbidden romance. L goes on an adventure of a lifetime and along the way finds out the true meaning of life and love.
1. 1 Dead On The Desk

**A/N- Before you read this, we are not on crack. I repeat NOT on crack. And yes us. I have been joined by Moll7iee to create this somewhat, ….weirdly insane fic. **

**Disclaimer- We do not own Death Note.**

**Dead on the Desk**

It all started on a cold, hot, windy, calm day, **in the middle of August.** There were two girls, brothers, to be more specific. They were both pleasantly not weird-looking but were a little average in personalities. Their names- Shannon Mango and Danielle Pineapple, have no relevance to this story whatsoever. But we thought we'd include that anyway.

The class was working on a project in their French lesson about cardiovascular fitness and how to improve their eye shadow application skills. In order to accomplish both of those things, the two brothers needed a big sheet of A3.141592654etc. So, of course where else did they go but to ask their imaginary friends if they could take a trip to resources to obtain said sheet of obscure sized paper.

So off they went, venturing down the vast school hallways, arms linked and whistling the tune to a funeral march, as happy as can be. On their journey, they encountered a big scary troll, also known as, Larry the Lizard. He told the two brothers in the most angry way possible,

"GO SEE KATE VOEGELE IN CONCERT, OTHERWISE I'LL GRATE YOU SO YOU'RE DEAD ON THE DESK LIKE A BUNCH OF FLOWERS THAT WAS LEFT BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WHO ARE BOYS."

Over an hour later, still nowhere near the resources room, they in fact realised they were no longer in the school, but instead were residing in the remote and possibly Canadian forests.

"Now I wish we hadn't sent our parents to Australia in that cardboard box!" said Shannon.

Not that it had much to do with the forest they were in of course.

They carried on walking aimlessly around in circles (with a radius of 32cm) until they got so tired they passed out on the floor.

…

L sat at his desk, legs curled up to his chest in the usual fashion, biting his thumb as his gaze was fixed upon the television screen. On the screen was a report about two odd brothers (He swore they were girls) who had gone looking for a piece of paper, and ended up missing. Recent reports said that they had sent their parents to Australia in a cardboard box, but L had no idea what that had to with the missing persons case at all.

Just as he was about to get up and find himself a nice piece of carrot cake in the fridge, Watari suddenly jumped out of his office wearing a pink velvet-like hoodie, around 12 different types of gold chains around his neck, and a large pair of trackies hanging below his bum.

L practically jumped back in surprise as he saw Watari's new attire, looking him up and down.

"Watari, where on Earth did this new outfit come from?"

"Yo, L-san, you like my new get up? It's bare sick. In the hizz house."

"What the hell is a hizz house?"

"Well, er, I… I don't know- all the happening kids are saying it these days."

"Oh my god, never say that again."

"Sorry hard, I just think that kids'll think I'm sick when they see this new look."

"Y-Yeah, you're a very sick man."

"Thank you! I-"

"I didn't mean it to be a compliment!" L stormed off to his fridge in frustration, shoulders hunched as per usual, grabbed the cake and shoved it in his face.


	2. 2 The Wicker Basket

**A/N- here's the next instalment of our lively story!**

**Disclaimer- we don't own Scooby Doo, we do however own our own Wicker Basket. **

**The Wicker Basket**

"Uh, Scoob," said Shaggy as he sat down on their overstuffed, green hairy couch, "Like we need to get a life."

He took a huge bite of his double-triple-quadruple-decker sandwich; almost swallowing it completely whole. Ever since the gang had decided to call it quits, the two best friends had not been getting up to much recently.

You're probably wondering why Mystery Inc. called it quits? Well it was all down to the wicker basket incident. We won't say too much about that, in fear of embarrassing our poor victims, we mean protagonists…

"Rhy'd Rou Ray Rat Raggy?"

"Well Scoob, like we're kind of low lives sitting here eating sandwiches, when I bet Fred's like out there getting laid or something right now."

"Retting Raid?"

"Like uh, don't worry about that, like I forgot you were a dog."

"Ri'm Rot A Rog!"

Shaggy decided not to press charges against Scooby on this one, and drew a circle on a piece of paper, then vanished into complete thin air, much to Scooby's astonishment. Suddenly, he appeared again, with no explanation, carrying on as nothing had even happened.

"So Scoob, like what'cha wanna do today?"

"Rhy Ron't Row!"

"Let's go and like try and pull some chics!"

"Ri'm A Rog Remember!"

"Oh yeah, let's go make like our own mystery then!"

And so the two set off with a box of Scooby Snacks in their pockets, and a random bottle of Gin that nobody could explain how it got there, and fartinated to Japan.

**A/N- The two of us will leave it to the imagination of you guys as to what Fartinating is, and the Wicker Basket Incident ;) **


	3. 3 The Hannah Montana Concert Experience

**A/N- Prepare yourselves for more randomness please.**

**Disclaimer- We Don't own Hannah Montana, Scooby Doo, or Death Note. **

**The Hannah Montana Concert Experience**

"JAPAN!" shouted L, as he and his now-gangster assistant walked the streets. "THAT IS WHERE WE NEED TO GO!"

"WTF?" said Watari, all chav-like, "We've been in Japan for over a month now, L!"

"Oh, I've been watching so much Hannah Montana recently that I keep thinking I'm in an American high school..."

"By the way blud, you lost out on those concert tickets on eBay…."

"WHAT? WHO WON THE BID?"

"I think his name was Yagami-4R1K-L"

"That sounds kind of familiar…."

"It does, innit L!"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES INNIT MEAN?" 

"I dunno, Innit?"

"You sicken me…"

"What blud? Why?"

"You didn't win my HANNAH MONTANA TICKETS!"

L walked forwards in a huff, leaving Watari standing there with *What the flip?* face, and not even realising where he was going, he bumped into a tall guy with gingery brown hair and a large green t-shirt, accompanied by a brown dog with a blue collar. They both had eyes, ears, noses, legs and arms attached to their bodies in the right places.

"Like, watch where you're going!" shouted the scruffy haired man.

L stood there bemused for a moment, eyeing the pair up and down, taking in their body parts- that somewhat seemed to be in the right places to his amazement. Finally, the light bulb went in his head, as he shrieked,

"OH EM GEE YOU'RE THOSE GUYS FROM MYSTERY INC.!"

"Yeah, we used to be, but not anymore," with an annoyed expression fixed upon his face.

"Reah," echoed the dog.

"Well, I'm a detective, and I'd be happy for you guys to be on my team, if you know what I mean!" he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What dude, like you're gay?" shouted Shaggy, earning some strange looks from the Japanese people passing by on the street.

"Shhhh, don't tell anyone! It's supposed to be a secret!" L shrieked again, covering Shaggy's mouth with his hand.

From around 10 metres away, Watari was still stood in the exact same spot as he had been at least 5 minutes ago now, not having moved a muscle. His face was fixed in a shocked expression, from the confusion when he heard the yell, _"LIKE, YOU'RE GAY?" _

"CARROTS!" came a random yell from the office block above where they were standing, except, it was like in India, not Japan.

The three looked up, which includes Scooby, not Watari, in complete alarm.

"Gosh, are you mad? " asked L. They suddenly were fartinated to L's apartment and Watari was positively furry.

"Oh my god," said Shaggy. "Man, like, you have a LOT of hair." He then proceeded to stroke Watari's face like a fish would a giant mug of instant coffee.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Ro's rat?" asked Scooby.

"OMG," said L. "ITS-" They all froze and took a breath in unison before saying:

"THE TREVOR MAN!"


	4. 4 Of Zefrons and Hufflepuffs

**Disclaimer- Don't own AVPM, Zefron, Death Note or Scooby Doo.**

**Of Zefron Posters and Hufflepuffs (Which are particularly good finders)**

"Rey Ruys, Rid Rou Rear Rabout Rhose Rirls Rhat Rot Rost Ron Rhe Ray Ro Resources?"

"Yes, blates mate, who didn't?" Watari replied, causing L to facepalm in dismay.

"I wish you'd stop talking like that Watari, it gets on my nerves."

"I wish you'd stop watching Hannah Montana, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon, innit?"

"Like innit Watari!" shouted Shaggy.

"Rhere Rid Rhey Ro?" the dog asked inquisitively for once.

"TO THE CANADIAN FORESTS!" came a shout from what we suppose is Trevor-man, who was outside the door- they still hadn't let him in, so he took that as his excuse to latch onto the hinges of the door and sing show tunes at the top of his lungs in an awful Scottish accent.

"I know, let's go werewolf hunting!" shouted L suddenly, causing the others to look at him with wtf faces.

"YOU POOF. YOU KNOW WEREWOLVES ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS AWESOME AS VAMPIRES! THEY SPARKLE IN THE SUNSHINE!" shouted Trevor from outside.

"But you know Werewolves are boss."

"No way! ZEFRON FOR THE WIN!"

"What the HELL is a Zefron?"

"Why don't you FIND out?"

"Rufflepuffs rare rarticularly rood rinders!" Scooby added in, which no one understood at all.

"Like, what the hell is a Hufflepuff?" asked Shaggy.

"THIS IS GETTING BARE OUT OF HAND BLUD. JUST STOP IT NOW." Watari's ovaries were about to explode from all of the Zefron/Werewolf/Vampire talk, and so he died on the floor. Everyone screamed, and then carried on like nothing ever happened. And so they all finally agreed to go and hunt werewolves and they left Watari lying on the floor before Fartinating and leaving Trevor stuck to the door without even batting an eyelid from North Mexico.


	5. 6 The Adventures of Nyan Cat

**Disclaimer: We don't own Nyan Cat, Death Note, Twilight, or Scooby Doo. **

**The adventures of Nyan Cat**

The three had been venturing through the forests of Forks, Alabama, Wyoming, Chad, for at least a few decades now and L was starting to grow a beard, get withdrawal symptoms from the lack of sugar when he'd only eaten a sweet a second ago, and was starting to hallucinate sexy images of Light Yagami playing with action man and a life-size cardboard cut-out of Zefron.

"Mmmm, Liiiiiiiighhhhtttt."

Shaggy turned around in confusion, staring at L with bemusement. Then suddenly he laid down on the floor and started flopping like a fish. Seeing as Scooby was a sheep and all, he joined in with Shaggy's fish flopping, only to be caught out of sheer embarrassment.

Along came the sexiest werewolf mankind had ever seen, whilst Shaggy and Scooby are flopping on the floor, and let's just say L was doing something not quite suitable for the rating of this fic.

The Werewolf man suddenly let out the loudest belching sound ever heard and Scooby looked up and his eyes locked with his, captivated in a magical gaze. And then they fell in love instantly, even though they both refused to admit it to anyone. But suddenly, to everyone (except L's) horror, they started making out passionately and desperately, and everyone (except L) hid behind a tree, which was even more to Shaggy's horror because L was still doing inappropriate things.

"Like, What has come to the world man!" screamed Shaggy, which bought L to his senses.

He suddenly realised that Shaggy had seen everything he was doing, and jumped back in surprise.

"YOU FREAKING PERV!" L shouted in accusation.

"Like, what? I had no idea that you were… doing that!" he screamed turning into a chicken and levitating into the tree.

"WHAT THE HELL?" shouted L from below, staring at Shaggy bewilderedly, before realising he still hadn't dressed properly.

Shaggy, still in chicken-form, was infuriated and infrittered with L, so he looked down menacingly and took aim.

"Like, prepare to be omletted, man!" and he commenced laying eggs on L's head. But to his surprise and horror, L realised that when the eggshells broke, freshly cooked omelettes came out and slapped him in the head.

"OH NO," he screamed, "CHEESE AND HAM! WHY COULDN'T THERE BE POP TARTS?"

"Like, BUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Shaggy squirked, before suddenly transforming back into a human, to his own disappointment; falling out of the tree and landing on L, in a slightly awkward position.

"GET OFF ME YOU CREEP!" shouted L, shoving Shaggy from on top of him.

Meanwhile on the other side of this tree, Scooby and the Werewolf man named Jacob, were still going at it, not having been disturbed by the yells and slightly disturbing sounding scene from the other two. We're sure when the future comes round, L and Shaggy will be glad this was ignored, due to it possibly being interpreted as something a lot worse sounding than it actually was, like this story.


	6. 7 Run, Jump, Land, Rest

**Disclaimer- We've gotta say we don't own the Simpsons, Death Note, Twilight or Scooby Doo yadda yadda yadda. **

**Run, Jump, Land, Rest (Why does everything I whip always run away from me?) **

Shannon and Danielle ended up somehow in the middle of Canadia **(Does that even exist?)**and to their surprise, only 5 metres away did they see their parents who must have fartinated from Australia somehow.

"D'oh!" shouted Shannon as they both ran away from their parents.

They could've sworn in the distance they heard the sound of a whip cracking as they saw two distant figures of a hunched over man in a large white t-shirt with crazy black hair chasing a shabby looking man (with a dog and a werewolf) with a large whip.


	7. 75 Argument

**Disclaimer- We do not own Death Note or Scooby Doo **

**Molly: What the HELL is a Scooby doo?**

**Jade: Srsly? **

**Molly: Like Sirius. **

**Jade: Yo mamma's so fat her patronus is a cake.**

**Molly: Yo mamma's so dumb she got out of a boat and missed the water**

**Jade: Yeah well at least I don't wiggle, when boxes tell me to. **

**Molly: Well you are missing out! I'm off to pigfarts anyway, and when I go there, I can do whatever the hell I want!**

**Jade: Yeah? Well, guess what. Dancing is for Pansies. **

**Molly: what does that have to do anything? What is your name?**

**Jade: …Pansy **

**Molly: Perfect. You're coming to the dance with me…. Hang on a second, it says just above this that your name is Jade…**

**Jade: Haha you believed me for a second there, you're so gullible. :P **

**Molly: No, I was purposely trying to make as many AVPM references as possible.**

**Jade: That just sounds like an excuse. I don't believe you at all! **

**Molly: *pokes tongue out***

**A/N- Yeah so anyway… we got a bit carried away there, skip to the next chapter if you haven't already! **


	8. 8 Big Little Fish

**Disclaimer: We can't be bothered to write this one out, it's in the last one anyway. **

**Big, Little Fish**

L was running after Shaggy, cracking his whip at the man's heels, finding it rather amusing and alluring. Considering L hadn't had sweets for a little while now, L was finding himself becoming a ravaging hormonal young man, but his beard had grown so long now that it had withered and fallen off. Probably due to the fact L kept stepping on it.

It had been over a century and they were deep into the heart of the remote and somewhat possibly Canadian forest, which happened to be next to Forks. Just as the group were about to rest, (Jacob having tagged along with them for the whole time, which annoyed L greatly.. He much preferred Sparkly Vampires) they found a little stream, from which Shaggy had caught a fish.

"LOOK IT'S A BIG LITTLE FISH!" Jacob cried, the first time any of them had heard him speak.

"Who the hell are you?" asked L, even though he already knew who he was.

"I'm Jacob Black. And I am awesome."

"Arrogant Much?" asked L, whilst admiring himself in the stream's surface and posing like a model.

He just so happened to also be humming "I'm too sexy," which had Jacob standing behind mouthing animatedly, "HYPOCRITE!" which nobody seemed to find funny. So Jacob threw himself in the stream, which wasn't actually deep enough to come up to his thighs, but somehow he still managed to drown.

All of this time Scooby hadn't actually been present on the scene, even though he was present on the scene, and Shaggy had just returned from the Forest's local shopping mall, having bought a pretty frilly dress for Jacob and a bunch of sardine-flavoured potatoes, even though he'd just somehow managed to catch that fish just five seconds prior- five minutes before he'd returned after he'd left just before he returned.

Suddenly Jacob had fartinated back out of the stream, and was going at it again with Scooby behind a tree, suddenly wearing the dress Shaggy had bought for him even though he hadn't actually changed, and Shaggy was still holding the dress, which was in the bag he wasn't holding, but was slung over L's shoulder as he continued to admire himself in the stream (even though it wasn't).


	9. 9 The Ice Age

**Disclaimer- We don't own Death Note, Pokemon or Twilight.**

**The Ice Age**

So today Shaggy and Scooby weren't actually there, they'd fartinated to Greece for the time being for no particular reason, even though they would return the moment this chapter ended. L was walking on his lonesome with Jacob, much to his dismay, who kept stopping to adjust his dress.

After at least the tenth time he'd done this, L lost his temper and screamed at Jacob.

"WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIGHT? I LOVE LIGHT LOTS AND LOTS LIKE JELLY TOTS WHICH ARE REALLY YUMMY, AND YOU'RE JUST DARN RIGHT ANNOYING, AND NOT EVEN SEXY. FOR GOD'S SAKE LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN!"

And so Jacob, deeply scarred by those harsh words, went off to cry and lather in the lake, which wasn't actually there.

Suddenly out of the blue, Mello fartinated onto the scene to find a frustrated L, with a bright red face.

"L! My Darling! How nice to see you!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" L practically screamed at him.

"I could ask the same of you!" Mello said slightly taken aback.

"Oh look it's snowing!" shouted L suddenly, completely calm, and now staring upwards, although hunched over, continuously making angry faces at the clouds which were covered by trees because snowflakes were getting in his eyes.

"Where's Watari?" asked Mello, completely ignoring L's weird behaviour.

"Who the hell is Watari?" L asked, turning his attention to the somewhat feminine manwhore.

Mello was purple.

Suddenly, a wild Bella appeared out of the blue, and L turned around believing she was a pokemon, and threw a pokeball at her, screaming,

"POKEBALL GO!" much to the Purple Mello's fascination.

The pokeball hit Bella in the head, who fell to the floor crying out Edward's name.


	10. 10 Angry Veg

**Disclaimer- We don't own Twilight or Scooby Doo. Or the song Choke on it by some band called Death xD **

**Angry Veg.**

Meanwhile back on the other side of the mountain, Scooby and Shaggy were sitting on a grassy hill. Suddenly Jacob fartinated onto the scene with an unexplainably drunk Bella hanging from his arm. The moment he saw Scooby he let her drop to the floor, creating the largest thump anyone ever heard, which caused an earthquake the size of Manhattan, even though it was smaller although not bigger.

Once the earthquake was over, Shaggy nudged Scooby in the arm, which prompted Scooby to start to serenade Jacob with a lovely song.

_Freedom is just a breath away  
>Will you live to see the day<br>As the heat intensifies  
>You start to choke, your insides fry<em>

Seizure now sets in  
>Torture will begin<br>Twisted bodies lie  
>Waiting now to die<p>

Choke on it - As your tongue goes down  
>Choke on it - Death is all around<p>

Jacob was on the edge of crying his eyes out, to which he was murmuring about a beautiful love song, and how much he loved it.

Scooby then kneeled in front of Jacob, and began to speak.

"Rill Rou Rarr Re?"

"Marr you? Why would I harm a hair on your soft fluffy head?"

"Roops. Ri Reant Ro Ray, Rill Rou Rarry Re?"

Jacob was reduced to proper tears, and almost drowned again, sweeping Bella away in the floods.

"YES OF COURSE I WILL!" he yelled, hugging Scooby tightly even though he wasn't touching him at all.

Bella was fuming, "BUT JACOB'S MINE! HE WAS **MY **FRIEND SINCE EDWARD LEFT" she yelled, sitting in the corner.

Soon her madness sent her into hallucinations, which led her to believing an angry asparagus was out to get her.


	11. 11 Bedroom 2

**Disclaimer- We do not own Death Note or the concept of Cavemen. **

**Bedroom 2**

Back over to L and Mello, the two were lazing about under the sunshine which wasn't present under the shade of the tree tops. L was lying in a rock, which was sticking into his back- in fact it was so sharp it had pierced him through his stomach, but he was still somewhat okay despite this.

Mello had broken out a pint of custard and was inhaling it through a star **(we were gonna put 'straw', but the typo seemed more fitting for this kinda fic)** all the while L was trying to burp the national anthem (the Canadia-ish one) while riding on a unicycle (even though it was all an illusion).

Of course by now you've guessed that we won't ever write a chapter without something exciting happening, so of course what else could have happened other than a bunch of angry and zefron deprived cavemans fartinating into the midst of the clearing that they weren't sitting in.

The two see the cavemans and hide behind a lobster with a wig on, hoping like hell that they weren't seen.

"Bedroom 2..." L whispered to Mello, confusing the blonde haired boy to no end.

"What?" he almost yelled- which the cavemans noticed.

"Nothing..." L whispered, moving to yank his arm off before the cavemans batted them on the head with clubs that weren't really clubs but large, grapefruit-shaped ovens.

This was followed by them fartinating into a stone age (male) strip club where the men put on lots of layers and strutted their stuff, dancing around stone columns and throwing cucumbers at everyone they saw. They ate it.

The cavemans led Mello and L out into the back cave, even though they were asleep and unable to walk, they were levitating on their heads. Even though they were really walking, but EVERYONE knows that. (Even though they didn't; we're just lying).


End file.
